As I told you on the phone, I’m going to forget (1) about what happened on this night. It really won’t do any good to dwell on the mini “holy war” I was trying to wage out of stubbornness and blindness. Rather, I will thank our Father for opening my eyes to what was happening with me and thank you for being His instrument. I still can’t see a God of frustration or disappointment, just as I’m sure you still can’t see exactly why I can’t. (2) What I do see, now, is that it doesn’t matter—not at all. For reasons known only to Him, He is leading us on slightly different paths to Him. Just as He showed me the Resurrection, but not the Cross, He shows me only hope where others see something else. For whatever reason He is doing this, He will bring only goodness from the frustration of it, if I let Him. I’m willing to do just that, now. I’ve asked His forgiveness for my stubbornness and have asked His help in avoiding this in the future. (3)

Meanwhile, I see the situation as a paradox, with deeper wisdom underlying both views, a wisdom that brings unity out of apparent conflict. I’ve asked Him to share that wisdom with us, but if He doesn’t, I can accept the reality of the paradox as sufficient explanation for the situation. I’m sure that I can continue on with the retreat, with a respect for the priest’s viewpoint, but letting my Father lead me where He will. I won’t be out of step with the retreat, just following a parallel route to wherever my Father is taking me. (4)

Again, thank you for being His instrument, and thank you for putting up with me!

(1) Current comment: I must have done a good job of forgetting about what happened because I have no idea, now, what this was all about. Sorry!

(2) Spiritual director: I had trouble with this, too.

(3) Spiritual director: I hope this experience has caused growth (and not harm). I’m glad you are at peace now.

(4) Spiritual director: Good.