This prayer period began miserably. I turned to the page where I had left off in the retreat, saw how many more passages were left in that section, and got a knot in my stomach. It had been uncomfortable for me to be out of step with the retreat, and I just knew it would be more of the same tonight, only worse.

I was tempted to skip the rest of this section and glanced ahead to the next. I saw “Infidelity, adultery, idolatry,” at the head of that page and groaned. There was no escape. That would be more of the same. The knot in my stomach got bigger.

I just couldn’t bring myself to begin. I was frustrated and angry. I didn’t want to be dragged across the grain of things. I didn’t want God treating me differently than He was “supposed” to. I just wanted to be “normal” and do things “right.”

At the same time, I knew this wasn’t what I really wanted. I really wanted to do my Father’s will, whatever that might be. And so, I battled with myself. Part of me wanted to ask His help in this, but the other part was in control and wouldn’t let me. That part didn’t want Him “meddling” anymore than He had and “messing me up” even more.

I finally found the strength to pray. He didn’t seem to be there, so I kept at it until I was demanding His help. The answer came as a visual image, that of an imp sitting beside me, laughing at my struggle. It wasn’t a Hellish demon, but a thing of mischief yet with potential to become far more dangerous.

I realized that it had no reality of its own, but was a personification of some sort of rebellion within me. The imagery was a tool my Father was giving me to deal with myself. I also realized that He had given me the power to deal with it.

So, I began scolding it, fussing at it as if it were a very, very naughty child. I told it that it was in for noting but trouble if it persisted. I claimed the victory of the Cross, and so it was doomed. I told it that my Father would make something good out of this, no matter what it did. I also told it that I was going to read every one of those Scripture passages, even if I had to drag it kicking and screaming with me. (1)

It continued to laugh at me at first, and then it grew serious. Towards the end, it actually seemed contrite before it vanished from my mind. As it calmed, I felt the tension draining from me. I had a marvelous sense of victory when it finally vanished, and I thanked my Father for His help. I found myself eager to take up tonight’s readings!

My Father worked with me rather differently through Jeremiah 2, Deuteronomy 32:15ff, and Hosea 4. As I read them, a dreamlike scene seemed superimposed over them that was conveying the message in more familiar, perhaps more meaningful (to me) terms.

While I read, I mentally watched a scene from the old TV show, Bonanza. Ben, the strong, wise, and loving father, was chastising his son, Joe. The scene could have been entitled “The Prodigal Son’s Departure.” Ben was saying something like: “I’ve given you everything good there is, but you still want to go off chasing this ‘no-god’ of yours. Well, go ahead! The choice is yours! But I’m warning you. Leave this ranch, and there’s noting I can do for you. You’ll be beyond my provisioning and protection. You’ll soon see just what this ‘no-god’ really is.” At that, Joe stormed off angrily, and his father turned his back on him. But there was hope in this. Ben’s turning away was so that he could prepare for Joe’s return, so they could get on with the business at hand.

This mixture of Heaven and Hollywood may seem odd, but it was just what I needed. It was a scene from my one-time favorite TV show, and I knew the characters well. I knew how Joe felt. He was tired of ranch work and wanted to go off adventuring. He didn’t want to hear about the dangers, and he didn’t care that he was abandoning important work. He was thinking only of himself and good times.

But I knew Ben, too. I knew that he was angry with Joe because of the trouble he was leaving himself open to. He loved his son and wanted to spare him this. But, he let him go to learn his lesson the hard way. He also knew that he would be back, and that the important work they had to do together would be done.

This is how my Father taught me about Israel’s rebellion and about how it is in our time, too. Isn’t it neat how He can teach us in such an individualized way! This scene, without the understanding of the characters that I brought to the lesson, might have been meaningless to someone else. Yet, it was a “language” I could grasp readily.

I thought, too, of my rebellion at the beginning of the prayer period. How could I have let myself be suckered into that? I’ve learned a bit more about the wiles of the Enemy. And, my Father used it for good. It helped me understand Joe/Israel’s rebellion a bit better.

(1) Spiritual director: Remember this. It may come in useful later on. The third section of the retreat can be harder to bear, harder to face. Keep in mind always what God is making you aware of concerning hope. His love, His constant faithfulness, and what He is showing you through His great images on this page. You will need these perspectives for later when, I hope, He will deepen them even more and share with you both His “sorrows” and His joys.