Today I wrestled with Satan. As I settled down to pray, he began with his lies. He whispered to me of my unworthiness of God’s attention, and how I had deluded myself into thinking I had formed a covenant with my Father. He said that I was too far gone to be pulled from the Darkness. I felt as though he were trying to rip my soul apart. I would have much preferred him to throw every can in the house at me than do what he was doing. He’s so clever! Everything made such sense! But part of me knew he was lying.

That part cried out to heaven for help. But, my Father didn’t seem to be there, nor was my lord Jesus. In a way, that seemed to confirm the lies, and I was very tempted to just give up. I didn’t, though: I called on Raphael to wrestle this demon as he did for Tobit. I called on Michael and Gabriel to face him down as they did in Daniel. I called on my guardian angel to help, and I asked Mary, Queen of Angels, to give them the order to help me. I called on Joseph, Terror of Demons, for his help, too, and I didn’t forget Francis. They didn’t fail me.

The battle seemed to last forever. But we won! My Father then gave me a series of visual images. I saw myself beside the stream of living water. Mary held me in her arms, and comforted me while I cried. I really was crying, from exhaustion, I guess, and relief. Joseph and Francis were there, too, and my angelic defenders. All offered me comfort. Then they put a white cloak around my shoulders, the white cloak of my previous imagery. This confirmed that I really didn’t wear the red cloak of a sinner, as Satan had told me. There was great joy and a keen sense of victory among us. There was a final image, one that put everything into perspective and told the truth of the matter. I saw myself in a great throne room. A vast distance separated me from the king. I knew I was unworthy to approach the throne, but it wasn’t a case of self-condemnation and hopelessness, as Satan had tried to make me believe. It was a matter of honesty, humility. I know I have a long way to go before I can approach the throne of God. However, in this imagery, the King rose from His throne, and began walking toward me to help me on the journey. My defenders where there, too, promising to be beside me every step of the way, just as they had been with me today. I spent the rest of the time in praise and thanksgiving. (1)

(1) Spiritual director: You were attached but never were conquered. Because you are writing this and not speaking this to me, it is hard for me to really tell how you felt, except that you felt bad, of course, and wondering whether the devil was right. (2) Perplexed? Was it difficult to call on the angels and saints when Jesus and His Father didn’t respond? The images were a great gift – and it’s nice to have such friends who care about you so much.

(2) Response to spiritual director’s question from the next transmittal letter: You asked several questions about the attack of March 11. How did I feel? Satan was tempting me with feelings of hopelessness, and that I was imagining what was going on in the prayer periods. I guess I would best describe the feeling as a profound doubt, combined with a great desire to fight against that doubt. You also asked if it had been difficult to call on the angels and saints when Jesus and His Father didn’t respond. Not at all. I was desperate, and would have rattled through the whole calendar of saints until I got help from someone. I felt as though I were fighting for my spiritual life, and in a way I was. A drowning man doesn’t stop calling for help. My soul stood firm in faith; it was my intellect that was hearing the twisted logic of the lies.