I came to this prayer period very conscious of my many failings and inadequacies. I wanted the healing of these more than anything else, but my Father didn’t seem to be there.

I turned to Nehemiah 9 and read of the Israelites in sackcloth and ashes and wandered if I’m making adequate amends for my sins. It has always seemed to me that greater good comes from the active service sort of penance—almsgiving, acts of kindness, or something like working from the Kingdom through the Prayer SIG—than through the physical types of penance such as some of the saints have practiced in private. Now I’m not sure. I asked my Father about this, but received no answer. All I can do is assume that if He wants more of me, He will lead me. (1) As I read on, I found myself caught up in the importance of the land promised to Israel held for the people. It occurred to me that no mention of Israel as the source of the Messiah had been made in any of the recent passages, and I couldn’t remember whether anything about the Messiah had been in the original Covenant. I glanced back at Genesis 15 and found that the Covenant was a matter of providence and faithfulness. I’m afraid I let myself get caught up in the anthropological significance of land to a people rather than the spiritual significance of the Promised Land to Israel, which was what originally caught my attention. I tried to get back into that, but I had lost the thread of it. Perhaps I should come back to that since it seemed important before I got sidetracked.

The final verse of the chapter, “We are in great distress,” seemed to echo just how I felt, so I turned it into a prayer. I put the world in His hands for healing. Most especially, I put myself in His hands to be healed. I received no comfort from the prayer, but, on a deeper level, I know my prayer was heard and will be answered. That’s a hope to cling to in the meanwhile.

(1) Spiritual director: That is good. It seems to me that for you, almsgiving, etc., is better. But we both need to be sensitive to trust that God will lead us if He wants us to do more, as you said.